Booze vs Food Addiction? A woman with years of blackouts from drinking is more ashamed of her binge eating.
How often do you see corn art photos?
I specialize in such things.
I also used to be a corn specialist, the popped variety.
Movie popcorn was, of course, always my favorite but in past years I've limited it to a “small, no butter” in deference to WW points.
But, In my relentless pursuit of the perfect bowl of home-popped popcorn I spared no expense over the past few years, trying to get the most taste and flavor out of this one snack that really seemed doable and controllable.
I went through all the usual suspects from microwave varieties to supermarket jars to Whole Foods bins of organic kernels.
I have also had numerous home poppers from the one that looked like a space globe and took up half a counter to a narrow air-popper that sounded like a 747 taking off.
The long and the short of it? I popped my organic corn kernels, twice the amount because after all organic kernels are smaller than normal, and would still be doing so if the food program I changed to in January didn't outlaw all processed carbs (when you pop corn you are processing it) until Phase III.
Just so you know, I had decided what type of kernel I liked, what pan I'd use (my cast iron pot) and what oil (Canola) and I made it every week, always on Tuesday which was always Treat day following my weigh in at WW but midway through 2015 it seemed like I was popping corn on every day that had a “Y” in it.
Then, came January. No sugar, no wheat, no processed carbs for two weeks. How was I going to do without sugar and bread, I thought? Then, came end of January when I could reintroduce small amounts of sugar and whole wheat. I introduced only a few teaspoons of maple syrup for my chickpea flour pancakes and no bread. Not whole wheat. Not any bread.
Then, end of February came Phase III. Hello, popcorn. Or, so I thought.
Except I've never popped a kernel.
Why? The craving for all things bread, crackers, popcorn has really diminished. I am like a hollowed out addict. The behaviors remain around the surface but the inside “fix” is gone. The wanting something to fill whatever it is I've been trying to fill for all these years is still there but no food choices hold out any refuge.
I miss it, to be honest, on some reflex level.
The promise, the anesthetic, the bandaid whatever it provided.
It is the strangest thing to me to know all these items, once considered “must-haves” are now theoretically possible for me to try and reintroduce to my day and I am choosing not to without any sense of deprivation.
But, there is a bit of sadness to realize– #1 that food was used more as an entertainment center (as my friend, Liz, would say) than for survival and that I have to create new non-food ways of entertaining myself and creating refuge. It sounds overwrought but it's the truth.
The choice not to resume eating this stuff is now almost like passing a prison where once I was incarcerated. I don't feel like stopping in and saying “Hi” to the guards.
I am just going to press my foot on the gas and get the hell out of Dodge as every villain in “Gunsmoke” was commanded to do and work on creating a new pleasure palace with a rewards card system that is healthy but as accessible as..well, let's say, as accessible as beef jerky at a 7-11.
Good luck to me.
I'll let you know how it goes.
I'm only half kidding.
This is what I looked like yesterday (a dead dahlia) trying to figure out what I needed and why.
I couldn't figure out either.
I know I'm not a Syrian refugee on a overcrowded boat so I am very thankful for that. Really, I am.
I do try to put my obsessions in perspective even if for a nanosecond.
I suspect when people sober up or detox they are left with similar black holes that simply can't be filled and on most days they can distract themselves but on certain days, like yesterday, distractions lead back to the source:
“I need/want something but what is it? Oh, right. I can't have that. So, what can I have? What! Nothing fixes it? Sigh.”
The old world of sugary treats and refined carbs was at least anesthesia and even if they are not as appealing now, at least they are something.
This living in the real world, petty or profound, ain't all it's cracked up to be.
I also think it is probably the # reason folks relapse.
It's not logic that fails us, that's for sure. We just don't make sense.